Saturday, 4 February 2012

Hey, It's Okay if..

1.    You still watch cartoons

From elementary school through college, and maybe even beyond, you still get excited on Saturday mornings and zone out with a bowl of cereal to back-to-back animation. Because the day you stop giggling at a talking square-shaped cleaning appliance is the day you’ll be an ‘adult’…or dead.

2.     You still pinky swear

One day you’ll get married and make the biggest pinky-swear of all. For now, in the midst of a rotten economy and a mountain of undergrad loans you’ve still got to pay off, a promise that you will always have a spot on the couch is good enough. You’ve pinky-sweared and that’s forever.

3.      You believe in monsters

Like the ones that live in your room and will come out at night if you don’t shut your closet door. And the ones that will sneak up on you in the corridor after you’ve thrown out the garbage and are hurrying back to your apartment door. You know they exist – partially due to shows like Doctor Who and Geordie Shore – just waiting for you to forget about them.

4.      You are a closet loner
Say ‘yes’ to your friend to meet for drinks at 9pm to only cancel at 8pm. Then proceed to buy a cheap bottle of red wine and refuge back home so you can bask in the warm glow of your computer screen.

5.      You don’t like dealing with people
Attempt to cross the road when you notice a group of people laughing gregariously on that side of the road, quietly go back to the side of the road you were walking on and wait to cross the street until the rowdy, scary, sociable people are well out of sight.

6.      You suffer from imposter syndrome

You think about your friend’s jobs, and your jobs, and your friend’s talents and your talents. This leads to an exhausting and toxic spiral of self-loathing where you become so convinced that your achievements so far are the outcome of dumb luck or good timing where you’ve managed to successfully fool others into believing you’re a worthy human being.

7.      You don’t know how to network

You practically chew someone’s ear off when you’re out socializing, but when it’s under the context of networking it makes you feel like a used car salesman. Every time someone hands you their business card or email address just after two minutes of meeting them you feel like you’ve been fondled inappropriately under the table. To those people who might as well just shout to someone: “LOOK, CAN YOU ADVANCE MY CAREER? NO, WELL GTFO,” here’s a gentle reminder: charm doesn’t foam milk, nor develop a website, or save lives.

8.       You are a firm believer of netiquette

CAPS LOCK text make you feel as if you’re brains have exploded across the wall. It is also online acceptable to add vowels to express levity or enthusiasm (e.g heeeeyyyyyyy in offline mode would make you sound verbally delayed or socially awkward) and similarly single ‘ironic’ quotes will always seem inhibited.

9. You believe procrastination is effective in some way or form 

"It's perfectly normal to have Facebook, Skype and Twitter open right now. They'll just provide mini-breaks every minute or so. That way, instead of taking longer-breaks, I will just sit in front of the computer all day, occasionally chatting.. It's just a different way of organizing my time. No biggie."

10.      You find it impossible to say No to people (sometimes)

Trying to deliver this single two letter word can often sound as if we are trying to say ‘Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.” Setting boundaries can be hard, but failing to do so, leaves you attracting a bunch of users and a series of toxic relationships. (I’m talking about you: Drunk Text Ex,  Kill Joy Karen and Manipulative Mary.) Some friends deserve to get voted off the island and you’ll be surprised at the liberation it gives you! 


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